#soulfulsundays – untitled #1

And at times I wish I could pour myself out to you. Like how I talked about my weekend, my taste in music and the weather. But the wall between is too high for me to break down. The wall created by you from scars of the past; the wall created by me from thinking way too much.

Truth is, I long for you and I wish you longed for me too. Truth is, I don’t know if this is love or just the mere fact that loneliness has brought us together.
Truth is, I’m falling for you and I wish you did too.
But then I wish I didn’t have to. I wished I didn’t have to love someone, because I had miserably failed at loving myself. How could I learn to connect our scars when I myself, am too broken to be fixed?
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Back to square one.

My thought process just about a week before college went something like this:

“You will not make any friends, everyone will think you’re really weird and you’ll be a complete loser. Good job, you idiot.”

But on some days, my optimism reached heights even I couldn’t reach:

“You’ll meet loads of wonderful people, create fantastic memories and be like 50 times cooler than you already are.”

I’m in fact, that person. I shift from 0 to 100 really quick. But it’s surprising, how different everything turns out than the way you had imagined it. It’s definitely unexpected, and spontaneous.

In short, my first day of college was pretty much a blur. There were butterflies in my stomach, and a milkshake of thoughts in my mind. It took a lot of courage to walk up to people and introduce myself, and at first, it seemed odd. But then I thought, we’re all back to square one in our lives, it’s no more the same people we saw everyday or the same place we were in. And so, with sweaty palms, wide eyes, and a grin, I reached out my hand to everyone in my class.

“Wait we’re done?” I asked on the second day. It was 12pm, and our classes were already over. Several nods responded back to me unison. And as if that wasn’t enough, our professors are all so chill and non-school like, I have the urge to repeat the evergreen song of wishing good morning, but it has been toned down to a simple, “Hi, sir/ma’am”, and I don’t think I’ll ever be okay with that. It was a breath of fresh air from the closed boxes that school kept us in. It was okay to have a different answer, and it was okay to submit your assignments via Twitter. It was a new found freedom, and none of us knew what to do with it. It was back to square one.

The following weekend, being bombarded with questions about the first week from eager aunts to next door neighbors, all I could say was: I’m finally studying something I’m genuinely interested in. It wasn’t going to be a laid back journey, but I knew it would be absolutely wonderful. I was already put to thinking outside of the box. Pushing limits, and challenging myself was always something I took pride in. Even if I miserably failed at it, I was glad I used to try, and this is coming from someone who binge watched Breaking Bad during her final year exams.

But here I am a month later, everything is slowly sinking in. And it’s still absolutely wonderful. 3 years from now, when I’m done with my course, I hope I get to look back to the nervous, wide eyed self and say: you’ve done pretty well, you idiot. Of course, there are days, where you think you’ve got it all sorted out and under control. But there you are again at 8pm with 3 assignments due and a long line of exams waiting for you. It’s back to square one.

My extremely complicated relationship with books.

Every single morning, I wake up to see my shelves filled with books. Like there are about 4 shelves entirely dedicated to books. I speak so very highly of reading, but I actually don’t read. I could now use the New Girl reference where, Nick once said, “Writers don’t read.” or that one where in Midnight in Paris, where Hemingway said, “If it’s bad, I’ll hate it because I hate bad writing, and if it’s good, I’ll be envious and hate all the more. You don’t want the opinion of another writer.” I don’t think I can call myself a writer though. But hey, the quotes are pretty neat and I’m actually surprised that I remembered them well enough to add them to this post. The last time I read was probably a year ago, and it was terrifyingly..horrible. Therefore, I gave up on books, and mostly young Indian authors, who need to come up with better stories than college-trashing-sex-craving ones, that are already selling out faster than One Direction concert tickets.

I promised myself I’d finish reading at least 2 books by the end of spring break. But I barely even looked at the books during the past few days. Well, until now, when I had to write a post about them. I take a lot of time to finish books, and it annoys me but I enjoy that a little bit. There’s a certain joy in knowing that you have all these books you haven’t finished reading, you won’t know how they’ll end, unless you reach that one particular day, when you finally realise how it all ends. I find that quite exciting, most probably because you’ll know you have something to look forward to, I guess. Oh, and I also tend to spend most of my life buying books. So, at the end of the day, I’m the person with a room full of books that I haven’t even bothered to open.

I thought I could watch movies, instead reading, because I believe my reading phase hasn’t quite dawned upon me yet. So, I wake up at about 8 in the morning, eat breakfast, and start my movie marathon. Then, I spend some time searching weird stuff on google or just going through Buzzfeed and taking quizzes like “What type of cat are you?” (The answer was munchkin, if you wanted to know.) But then eventually, and somehow I’ll end up finding about one or two books; either because I watched a movie based on it, or due to the fact that, some blog on tumblr quoted some lines from it.

And so, I find ways to get the books. Inexpensive ways, of course. (God bless flipkart!) Ordering books online became a thing. It started off with one, and I ended up ordering 6 of them. They arrive at the end of the month, and my first Fitzgerald book ever, is one of them. With their arrival, they’ll be happily stacked away with the 20 other books of mine, patiently waiting for the day that I, or someone else with better reading habits will carefully open them with love, and read them. I don’t know when I’ll actually finish reading all the books that I’ve got. Maybe it’ll be next week or maybe never. Maybe it’ll be when I enter level 1 of mid-life crisis or maybe I’ll read it to my kids until they doze off. (I really love kids, apologies for skipping 12 years to my future, too fast.) I guess that’s some kind of excitement that is worth the wait.

Untitled rant.

This space right here can be used to endless talk about anything and everything. I haven’t blogged in so long, mostly due to the fact that, there was nothing really happening which was worth any of my rants. When a most-talked about topic goes around my Facebook/Twitter/Tumblr friends circle, I’m that person who quietly sits through all the posts, statuses, tweets, and reblog/like/retweet when necessary. I may seem like I have no opinion of my own, but I guess I’m just really trying to understand what other people go through first, and then see whatever the thing is for myself, and then pick a side. Or stay neutral.

A few days ago, one of the students at my school committed suicide, due to unknown reasons. And obviously, the entire student body rose with all the posts, messages and rants through Facebook. There was one side; who managed to say that they wish he is in a better place and so on, while a whole another group; went on about how he shouldn’t be judged for what he did, and that we shouldn’t take reasons that wasn’t even the cause of the situation in the first place. Newspapers, reported the wrong details and the school barely gave a crap about what happened, considering the fact that it might ruin their rather well-maintained reputation.

I was on both sides on this case; I didn’t know him at all, but I’m the kind of person who ends up having a mental breakdown because of someone’s death, and in this case a boy, who I never even knew. I don’t react for the first few hours, and later when it actually sinks in, it’s a scary rollercoaster of emotions. The first reaction is numbness; you don’t really feel anything, it’s kind of like getting stabbed in your heart, but you feel absolutely nothing. The second reaction is facing reality; the news finally gets to you, and you’re just completely unsure of what to exactly feel. I mean, every person you met, every single day, or maybe even just once, knows that they won’t see you ever again? The third reaction is the breakdown; at this point, you’ve basically given up hope that anything will ever get better. It lasts for quite a few days, and I’ll mostly just choose not to talk to anyone really, or even if I do, I’ll be going on about some irrelevant fight I had with my brother.

Which now brings me to my sort-of relevant fight I had, with him a few hours ago. So obviously, everyone had come to know about the suicide, and my family chooses not to discuss about such issues, because, well, I don’t think they’re comfortable with it, and I don’t think I would be comfortable crying in front of them over things like this, cause they feel like it’s not really worth it. They’re kind of well-acquainted with the whole case of “death”. It’s a circle of life, it’s inevitable, and they’d go on.

“So you know about the boy right, at our school, who had committed suicide? Our school didn’t really even arrange like a moment of silence or like even a prayer for him, can you believe it?”  I like to call myself the rebellious/protesting type of person, if something is not right, I will literally go on and keep talking about it, until something is actually being done. “[shrugs] If I was part of the school authority, I wouldn’t think I would want to even associate with that boy. He was a coward; who couldn’t really handle his own problems.”  I like to call my brother the kind-that-any-person-would-love-to-slap type of person. Sometimes he says things, that bothers me so much, I can’t even argue further, cause I’m just staring at how he made his entire existence useless by saying that thing. It was definitely one of those times. I carried on forward with what I had to say. “You don’t know him, and you don’t know the reason why he did it in the first place, so I don’t think you should jump to conclusions and judge him. What you saw in the newspapers, was wrongly reported, and was just bullshit.”  My brother didn’t really show a sign of giving up, and I kind of realized that we shared similar DNA, and he could possibly have some of my protesting genes too. “Why are you defending him so much? You yourself didn’t even know him. Everyone over at your school is suicidal, and that’s why you’re so depressed all the time. Wouldn’t really be surprised if you committed suicide as well.”

He took it a little too far here with this one. I kind of lost my senses here, and accidentally went on to break a bowl, as our argument took place in the kitchen.

I didn’t really bother to reply back to such a comment, because there isn’t really a point arguing. He firmly believed in what he said, and I stayed firm in mine. It’s important to be confident in what you believe, and that’s all I can do. What surprised me the most, was that he being about 10-12 years older to me, is supposed and considered to be “wiser” but instead he decides it’s best to stick to an opinion, which actually doesn’t seem to make any sense at all.

In the end, it’s all really just about respecting the person who passed away, irrespective of the reasons, and to really just keep quiet and say nothing when you don’t know what exactly has happened.

 

The Art of Getting Your Shit Together.

Oh, would you look that? I haven’t blogged since September. [clears throat] If you know me in person, you’d know why I hadn’t been blogging for so long. If you don’t well then, buckle up, kids.

With the school opening, and my ex-boyfriend (God, that phrase doesn’t sound as good as it seems.) trying to kick me out of his life, I tried my best to keep my emotions on a limit. But what does one do at point where they’re failing at school, life, and mostly just about everything? Read on, and you’ll know: The Art of Getting Your Shit Together.

No matter whatever grade I’m in, I always chill the fuck out during my first term and then start panicking towards the final term because my marks just don’t seem to add up enough to save me to the next level of hell. This year was obviously no different. The first term went by like a breeze, and shit got legit from the second term onwards. So after summer, (Which wasn’t particularly delightful as I thought it would be.) the reopening of school meant so much more than seeing teachers again, and facing exams again. It was getting back into the mundane, horrifying, robotic routine of schooling. September eventually dragged its way out of my life, rather slowly.

October seemed as though a happy month, obviously because of my birthday, and well, my birth should definitely be worth celebrating for. At least that’s what I think. Then again, life decides to drop the ultimate poop on my life, (Like always.) and it was India. We took the randomest possible vacation to India for about two weeks. Trust me on this though, best two weeks of my life.

November was okay, I guess. Bad stuff happened as always. There were days that just seemed to drag on. And my teachers found the greatest joy in flooding us upon with projects for the winter break. Oh well, December is here at least. Fun fact: December. Favorite month of the year. After October, of course. December mostly means holidays, windy weather, more excuses to have hot coffee, fabulous year end movie releases,  and my most fave; sweaters.

And so while, I told you part one of my reasons for not blogging about 3 months, here is part two: Boys. Boys are little shits, if you must know. They are like those really really good street food, which later give you the bad case of the tummy-aches. Summer began with me falling in head over heels with this boy, and obviously he left really really soon. Well, at least we lasted more than Kim Kardashian’s wedding.  Hey, I’m not one for bragging, but you should’ve seen that coming.

Alright, I’m not going to play it cool. [runs fingers dramatically through hair] It’s never easy when a guy shits all over your life, and then one fine day, decides that it’s okay to walk out. And so, 89% of my friends suggested that if I found a new guy to be infatuated with, I’d forget all about the bad street food. And well, you know me, I obviously didn’t do it. For it was my life, and when something shits all over it, you kind of have to pick up the shit (It was messy as fuck, just saying.) and move on. The bad street food stopped talking to me soon. And I stopped too.

It took me a good 4 months of break-up songs, long advices from friends and strangers, hours of Walking Dead re-runs, a tub of ice cream and a dozen of Oreos to get over this guy. Moving on doesn’t necessarily mean you’re completely over the existence of this person. You’ll still remember every single detail of their face. From the freckles to that scar they got from they were little. You’ll still remember their birthday, and wonder why the fuck they didn’t wish you on yours.

Nevertheless, I don’t hate him. I don’t hate anyone, I just couldn’t. Every single person that I meet, be it good or bad, teaches me something in life. When life gives you free lessons, you don’t say no. I’m so happy that I even got to know so many people, considering the fact that all I ever do is annoy everyone around me and crack really bad jokes.

At the end of all of this, one question still remains. How exactly does one get their shit together? I’ll tell you, grasshopper. One learns to get their shit together, only when one has failed and fallen many times into the arms of life. Sure, there is nothing greater than seeing you get that A+ on that exam you studied hard for, or getting recognized by that really popular girl at school. But if I didn’t get a D on that exam I didn’t study for, and if it weren’t for the popular girl rolling her eyes at me, I don’t really suppose I’d be here right now.

Back to reality. Back to me ranting.

This summer got over really fast, and I’m not okay with that. I’m still mentally stuck in my summer break. Sleeping at 4am, phone calls that lasted hours and watching tv shows all day without anyone questioning me. I surprisingly had a good first day, even though I was cranky the whole time. My friend who had left school for a while decided to make a come back, and that made my day. I yelled my heart out and gave the longest hug possible. (FYI, I’m not a hugger. I never hug people. Unless, I actually care about you.) Then I ran into few of the girlfriends I had made of summer. One, hugged me a bit too tight, and I think I broke my spine.

I hate that school took me back so unexpectedly. I’m never prepared for anything, ever. And there is nothing that I hate more in my life than school. Because school means, studies. Studies means work. And I hate work. But it doesn’t end there. School meets interacting with different kinds of people. You’ve got annoying, sassy, rude, kind people. Then you got your extroverts and introverts. Your extreme I’ll-achieve-so-many-things-you-can’t-even-dream-of people and then you got people like me who just want to make it through the year with average grades and without really grabbing anyone’s attention for any sort of thing. 

The whole point I’m trying to make here is: I hate school. But I then come to realise, I’m a student. A student is someone who spends half their lives at school. If you want it or not, you’ll end up going there anyways. As much as I love learning new things and I really do, I just don’t want to be tested on it. That’s what I hate about school. Exams ruin your life. They tear you apart, and leave you in a huge mess. But you can avoid all of this, if you start preparing for exams, from the beginning. Then again, I never prepare for anything, ever.

But kids, let me tell you one thing. School will suck for you, it really will. No matter how much you enjoy it, there will always be a part of you that just hates it. It’ll be the one place where you’ll meet the greatest and the worst people. I’ve been friends with both the kinds. Even though half the people I thought I’d be friends with for life aren’t exactly friends with me anymore, I don’t regret meeting them. I don’t regret meeting anyone really. Each person that I’ve met, has taught me something. I keep getting free life lessons while I’m friends with them. While life hands you free lessons of life, you don’t say no. My point here, school prepares you for the harsh, shitty, world out there. It’s preparing you by putting you inside a compound for 6 hours, forcibly making you wear uniforms, imposing rules and regulations and making you learn things you wished never existed. But hey, that’s just how it is, apparently. There’s no easy way out.

Well oops, I think I forgot the whole point of this post. It was supposed to be a back-to-school-ugh-i-hate-people kind of thing. I talk way too much, and this is what happens. I had to get this off my chest though, sorry not sorry. I hope you all have a great term over at school, and do try not to kill anyone. If I can make it through this term, so can you. [showers you with gummy bears]

Thanks, Charlie. (Bonus: Summer Playlist, whaddup.)

When I am not sassing people around and complaining about not owning a cat, I make playlists. Like all day, and I never get tired of it. It all started when I had just finished watching The Perks of Being a Wallflower aka one of the best movies ever made. The idea for making playlists clearly came from Ponytail Derek. I thought it was pretty cool that he made a new mixtape for his girlfriend, Candace every week, and but also  thought it was really shitty that she never bothered to listen to them and gave them away to Charlie. But then Charlie went batshit crazy and kept making mixtapes like the little cutie that he was. So, I decided to make playlists, every single day. And I have made what has seemed to be the perfect summer playlist. Years from now, I will look back and say, “dayum those songs i jammed to lol dey were dope am i rite”.

1. “We Can’t Stop” – Miley Cyrus: We all thought we’d seen the last of Hannah Montana. Everyone absolutely loved the song, until the video for it released. She twerked her way up the charts with this song. Literally. 

2. “Sweater Weather” – The Neighborhood: One thing that I will never stop finding is new Indie bands. Funny how a song about sweaters has made into my summer music. Which brings us to the question as to, why has this song made the list? The reason being that I discovered this song during the beginning of summer, and I blasted it everyday and also because I just really like sweaters.

3. “First Time” – Jonas Brothers: I never in a million years thought the Homos Brothers would make my list. But well, they did.  This is actually a good song, and I’m psyched that they’ve changed their sound up a bit, and they literally sound like men here. Kudos, you suckas.

4. “Never Gonna Leave This Bed” – Maroon 5: Yes, this song came out in 2011. But it’s Maroon 5. One cannot simply stop jamming to Maroon effing 5. Heard this song back in early 2012, and now, I found it finally cleaning out my old hard drive. Oh c’mon, sing it with me, “Wake you up in the middle of the night to say, I will never walk away again, I’m never gonna leave this bed.” Don’t be shy, now.

5. “Safe and Sound” – Capital Cities: Yes, another indie band. Roll with it. I had no idea a band like this existed, until my friend sent me the link to this video of theirs. I’ll admit they’re pretty damn good, and their album is even better. This song made it’s way into my playlist real quick.

6. “Burn” – Ellie Goulding: If I had to describe my love for Ellie Goulding, you better get ready for a saga of some sort. She’s British, beautiful, and has the voice of an angel. Throw in some really cool beats in there and you’ve got yourself a hit. I don’t find a reason why this song isn’t more apt for this playlist.

7. “Fader” – The Temper Trap: Third indie band on this list. Don’t judge me. I first came across this band when I heard them on 500 Days of Summer’s soundtrack. I then proceeded with my research and found this beautiful piece of work. It’s absolutely fantastic and is the first song I listen to every morning.

8. “Blurred Lines” – Robin Thicke featuring Pharrell Williams and T.I: This song must’ve made it into everyone’s summer jam. Everything about this song is perfect. It’s got some great vocals from Robin who finally made his comeback after marrying that sexy ass, Paula Patton from MI4. It’s got this sort of groovy feel to it, that makes your toes fall off from all of the tapping. And any song with Pharrell is our jam, you feel me?

9. “Contact” – Daft Punk: I hope you weren’t looking to find “Get Lucky” in my list because you won’t. If I hear one more radio station play that song again, I will not hesitate to start a revolt. Instead of wasting my valuable and extremely precious time rewinding the exact same song over and over, I decided to check out their most critically acclaimed album yet. This very song is the last one on the album is absolutely perfect. It starts off slow and then proceeds to give you uncontrollable eargasms.

10. “Young Blood (Dekade Remix)” – The Naked and Famous: This list couldn’t have had a better ending track. I have no idea how I got hold of this song. But I found the remix in the soundtrack for the movie, 21 & Over. Sometimes when you hear just seconds of a song, you just know it’ll be something you’ll replay for quite a long time. This remix is literally flawless, and is the perfect ending to a fabulous summer break.