Back to square one.

My thought process just about a week before college went something like this:

“You will not make any friends, everyone will think you’re really weird and you’ll be a complete loser. Good job, you idiot.”

But on some days, my optimism reached heights even I couldn’t reach:

“You’ll meet loads of wonderful people, create fantastic memories and be like 50 times cooler than you already are.”

I’m in fact, that person. I shift from 0 to 100 really quick. But it’s surprising, how different everything turns out than the way you had imagined it. It’s definitely unexpected, and spontaneous.

In short, my first day of college was pretty much a blur. There were butterflies in my stomach, and a milkshake of thoughts in my mind. It took a lot of courage to walk up to people and introduce myself, and at first, it seemed odd. But then I thought, we’re all back to square one in our lives, it’s no more the same people we saw everyday or the same place we were in. And so, with sweaty palms, wide eyes, and a grin, I reached out my hand to everyone in my class.

“Wait we’re done?” I asked on the second day. It was 12pm, and our classes were already over. Several nods responded back to me unison. And as if that wasn’t enough, our professors are all so chill and non-school like, I have the urge to repeat the evergreen song of wishing good morning, but it has been toned down to a simple, “Hi, sir/ma’am”, and I don’t think I’ll ever be okay with that. It was a breath of fresh air from the closed boxes that school kept us in. It was okay to have a different answer, and it was okay to submit your assignments via Twitter. It was a new found freedom, and none of us knew what to do with it. It was back to square one.

The following weekend, being bombarded with questions about the first week from eager aunts to next door neighbors, all I could say was: I’m finally studying something I’m genuinely interested in. It wasn’t going to be a laid back journey, but I knew it would be absolutely wonderful. I was already put to thinking outside of the box. Pushing limits, and challenging myself was always something I took pride in. Even if I miserably failed at it, I was glad I used to try, and this is coming from someone who binge watched Breaking Bad during her final year exams.

But here I am a month later, everything is slowly sinking in. And it’s still absolutely wonderful. 3 years from now, when I’m done with my course, I hope I get to look back to the nervous, wide eyed self and say: you’ve done pretty well, you idiot. Of course, there are days, where you think you’ve got it all sorted out and under control. But there you are again at 8pm with 3 assignments due and a long line of exams waiting for you. It’s back to square one.

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